Dear Renée,
I have been married for over 20 years to my high school sweetheart. We have two kids and we have been like buddies for the past few years. There isn’t that romance and spark we used to have. I lost my job and found a job here in Southern California and I am away for weeks at a time. I met a girl at a work meeting and a few months ago who became a confidant about my situation. Now we have gotten so close and I am torn about what to do since I have developed feelings for her. I feel like a bad boy! My wife senses something and I have somewhat told her about my “new friend” (without some of the details).
We are starting to have I guess what you would call “an affair” without having full blown sex. Just affection and that passion that makes me feel a new again. Now both women in my life want to know what I am up too and I am feeling torn. Is there something you can suggest that will unwind the mess I am in?
Mess
Dear Mess,
Yes, this is a messy situation. Talking to your wife and being honest is the best way to handle this mess. Often these types of scenarios can make you “get real” and grow. Your wife deserves the truth, since I am sure she did not think you would slip and go off and have an affair. Many couples experience ebbs and flow in their relationships,and the every day stresses override those stirrings of romance and passion…especially after 20+ years. Kids, work, money and stress dilutes the strong flushes of romance we all yearn for. Marriage is not based on these romance and passion feelings alone. Trust, values, family and good communication are they keys to long term lasting love. When you pull away your mate feels the lack of energy and the special connection. When your focus is on something or someone else believe me, they sense it. Let’s also “Get real” about the “without the full blown sex ” comment. Face it a little sex is SEX (are you pulling a Bill Clinton?)
This friend is more than a friend or you would not be writing to me. Women know when there is something going on! If you want to save your marriage it’s time to do some talking and get some help before you get into a bigger mess. Just a few suggestions/options:
- Go see your wife and tell her that you have been feeling disconnected and that you wanted to see if you could get help to save the marriage.
- Let go of your “friend” until you are clear on what you want to do and free to be able to be honest with her and your wife and focus on your next step.
- Ask yourself if this “friend” is a diversion from reality and if are you willing to throw away 20+ years of marriage for her? Being away from home will make anyone seem interesting.
- Get a job locally and move back
- Separate legally so you are not living a double life and take time to figure this out.
Think deep and connect to your higher self before you take a leap that will affect not only your life but also your entire family. Take a look at your values or lack of that created this situation. It takes two people to keep this “magic” going and is this “friend” worth it? Be honest with your friend, yourself and especially your wife. She deserves that! Divorce, separating the kids and all the emotion is a lot to go through for a fling.
Neither your wife of your “friend” will never trust you if you continue to deceive your wife. The lies eventually surface and come back to bite you. Get honest! Do some inner reflection and call me for a coaching session to get in touch with your heart! Or contact a local marriage therapist to help you get clear before you make a move that could affect the rest of you life. No rushing…Then you’ll be writing to me about that “friend” relationship in six months and wanting your wife back. Call me for a heart-opening coaching session to get clear.
Still Single? Suddenly Single? Please go to my site at: RenéePiane.com and see our listings for seminars and events. Call for info at 310 -827-1100. If you have a love or dating question or dilemma please email me. I will do my best to answer but it is not guaranteed! Need an Image update or a Love Nest Makeover or personal dating consulting call NOW! I can help you win in the game of Love!
