I’m Disappointed after he Disappeared! What happened?
Dear Renee (The Love Designer)
I’m so disappointed and I need some advice. I have been chatting/text messaging with a guy for 7 months. He finally came to visit, and we had a great time. He opened up a lot about his life and family, shared details about his divorce and talked several times about us hooking up again to spend time together. We spent the weekend together, and never took it any farther than kissing.
He even called me on my way back from the airport to tell me what fun he had, then texted me to let me know he got home. I did not hear from him again, so I called him 3 days later to just to thank him for coming to see me and that I looked forward to spending more time getting to know him. He called me back the next 2 nights, and I missed his calls. I called the following night, left a message that was a Friday night. We kept missing each other. I called Tuesday night and left a message saying maybe we should set up a phone date, and I have not heard anything from him since, and that was a week ago.
My question is, he really opened up and was excited, but now it seems things have died. I am not planning on calling again; I don’t want to appear needy. But do you think he has vanished? Do you think that maybe he could just be busy; I know he has a lot going on at work. I feel sad because I have met guys online, and had the same thing happen where they tell me how great fun they had and make future plans, then just disappear.
Do you think it is something I am doing, not doing? I have asked all my friends, and they seem to think it is the guys retreating because they feel they got too close, and then they let time pass and feel bad, so they don’t do anything…
Any advice? I’m so disappointed after he disappeared. What happened?
I am so sorry you experienced the disappearing act! The internet is great but when it doesn’t work out we often feel doubtful. There are lessons to be learned here. After years of working with men, I know these explanations below could be some of the reasons he does not call you back! If he doesn’t call pursuing you after he met you …
- He has been meeting other women the same way he met you.
Lesson: Keep your options open so you are not attached so soon to one person. He’s still in the middle of a divorce, so he’s probably dating other women. You had a fun date with him, not a long-term commitment. You gave him too much power after only one visit.
- You may have seemed unavailable after waiting 3 days to call him
After all those missed calls he thinks you might not be into him. He’s rusty in the dating game and could have fear of rejection.
Lesson: Don’t wait too long to call a new suitor back and leave a good time to reach you. Try giving him one more call to see if he responds
- He is letting time pass and now he feels embarrassed after this long to call you. He has fears that you will be angry with him for waiting so long since he was doubting your interest.
Lesson: I advise clients to communicate honestly so they are not hurting someone by being what they call “ghosted.” He probably doesn’t know what he did and has little experience with dating multiple people after being married for so long. Lead him with kindness, not pressure.
- He has not healed from his divorce and he is aware based on the deep conversations that you want more than he wants right now.
Lesson: The timing is off and he is not in the same love phase that you are in. My book Get Real about Love will help you be aware of signs sooner. Tune in for the clear signs of someone not being ready and don’t take it so personally. It usually a blessing in disguise.
- He may like you, but the distance may be too much for him.
Lesson: Stay cool and flexible since distance can be overcome as a friendship builds without pressure. I met my husband in this situation and it took time for him to open up with 3,000 miles between us. I played it cool since he was healing from his divorce and I never pressured him.
Make one more attempt with a friendly phone call to see how he is doing with no pressure. Then let him follow up.
Lesson: If he is into you he will pursue you and if it is meant to be it will be.
All singles go through these experiences and it is imperative that you let it roll off and keep on meeting other people. I know it can be hard, but don’t let your heart be affected by this one interaction and learn from it. I can offer you a coaching session to help you detect if you may have unconsciously sent “needy” signals. You must keep learning and growing about how men process their feelings in such a sensitive time. I have taught classes to men for over 28 years. who knew how they have not much training in communicating their feelings with new women who have so much support. It takes inner work to stay open after getting your hopes up from phone calls. I hear this story a lot and many people shut down. Don’t turn into one of those negative people. Learn the Secrets into the Minds of Men and come to one of my upcoming Get Ready for Love classes or panels, It is mind-blowing what men share.
Below is one my favorite quotes from my book GET REAL about LOVE ~The Secrets to Opening Your Heart & Finding True Love. This book will offer you some powerful insights to work on that part of you that doubts that love exists and to become more aware of the love phases in the dating game. Often, it’s the timing and not you.
“If it’s the right love at the wrong time, it will come back to you in the perfect time, or the right person will show up in the meantime. Believe in yourself and in Love!
Have a love or dating question or need some love advice?? Still Single? Suddenly Single? Want to Tune up your love life? Need a heart healing session or Private Love Design Consultation? Call me 310-827-1100 or Email: Renee@Reneepiane.com. to make an appointment. I can help you personally to design a plan to find love this year Get on our info list and check out my monthly love support classes and live events at www.ReneePiane.com and join in on all the fun.