I look forward to your love advice every week and I need some advice now! I have been dating a man for over a year and a half and he moved in with me 7 months ago. We are not engaged at this point, but he claims I am “the one for him.” Do you think I should ask him when we will get hitched? I want to get married. Is it too soon to ask and how should I bring up the subject?
Dear Wanting Marriage,
This question is all depending on you and the goals you have in your life. If you moved in with him with no discussion of the future, then there needs to be some communication. I don’t recommend pressure, but to state the desires of your heart to be “hitched” or married in the future to him. If he says you are the “one for him” do you know if he wanted marriage? It amazes me how many people date or live together without ever asking what vision the other person has about long term relationships. Often people say living together ruins the chance for someone to commit since they are “Getting the cow for free” and there are different opinions about living together. With the divorce rate sky rocketing, I think that people are not taking the vows of matrimony as seriously as in the past generations. Living together is a personal choice! There is no right or wrong. Marriage has no guarantees just like living together does not offer the seeming “security” some people think marriage offers. The commitment is between two consenting adults that choose their own path…there are no set rules or formulas…only what is best for you!
To me…Marriage is a sacred commitment and if living together is not feeling like a commitment that is satisfying you, speak up with love… something like “I love you (his or her name) and now that we have been so happy for a year and a half I was wondering how you are feeling about our relationship? I’d like to know where you see us in the future because I want to be with you and need to know what your feeling.” There is this huge difference between that script and stating what you want from your heart rather than demanding an answer with pressure.
The wrong ways to make him (or her) run for the hills would sound like…. “Well it’s been a year and a half and if we don’t get married in the next 6 months… I’m done with this relationship. I need to know now when we are closing the deal.” Most people don’t like ultimatums, yet we all must learn to express your desires and be honest without fear of losing something or someone. Love with pressure in my experience does not work. You must stay calm and ask from your heart. If you see signs of fear creep in, discuss these fears openly and give yourself a time frame for your goals. If your mate isn’t on the same page then you have to make some new choices for yourself so you don’t waste time thinking you can convince someone to get married. Speak the truth with love…then see where it leads you. Do what is best for you! The truth is always the way to go but the delivery is very important in this process. Need some more assistance call me for a coaching session. I can do short or long phone sessions from Skype and I record the call so you can listen to the advice againand again! Call me at 310-827-1100 or email me to set up sessions! (there is a fee for sessions)
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