Sharing Friends after a Break-Up

Dear Renee,

I need your advice. I was hooked up with a male friend of mines friend (a female friend of his girlfriend) and we have dated sort of seriously for a few months. I wanted to cool things off since I wasn’t ready to go long term and then we both got invited to my buddies’ birthday party shortly after our break up. The women I dated doesn’t think it’s right that I attend the party since she has been in their lives for years and I’m just a new friend. She says she will feel uncomfortable and can’t just switch her feelings so quickly to being just friends. So, what is the right thing to do? Should I show up? I don’t see why we can’t share our friend’s after this break up. I could care less if she is there but she is getting all freaked out. Why is she being so sensitive? Your thoughts on how both of us can be friends with this couple now that we’ve broken up?


Dear Confused

My advice is …Don’t show up…grow up! This type of scenario can be emotional and she needs time to heal and let go. This breakup is very recent and this situation needs to be handled with care especially since you want to maintain your friendship with the couple and hopefully with her in the future. It’s ok that you didn’t want a long-term relationship with her, but they care about her feelings and I’m sure they want to make sure you are sensitive towards her. Cut her a break…she cared for you and got more attached than you did. Seeing you could make her sad all over again.

This awkward scenario happens a lot with many divorces and friendships especially around holidays and birthdays. It will just take a little time for everyone to adjust to your new status, and she doesn’t sound ready to be just buddy/buddy with you right now. The couple that hooked you up probably doesn’t want to take sides, so get real and take him out for a birthday drink another time. Don’t put them in the middle of your break up and let her attend the party.

Imagine yourself in her shoes since you have been dumped before in the past and it hurts (haven’t we all?) She obviously had deeper feelings than you did, so give her some space to heal and to get over it. Do unto others as you would want them to do unto YOU! This month is full of events, concerts and parties so keep yourself busy and leave her alone. Time will heal the wound so stop picking at her heart.

Have a story like this in your life? I’d love to hear about it…

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