Hi Renee, I’m a big fan of your work, and I need some guidance! I met a guy on Tinder, and we had an awesome connection. We were communicating back and forth online for about a month, and we both had many different people asking us both out. We were out of touch for a while, and suddenly he resurfaced. We always did have a fun rapport, but as usual, you meet so many people on apps, it’s hard to remember who’s who in the mix. We were texting and flirting back and forth, we had deep conversations, and we wanted to see if we had the chemistry we both were seeking in a relationship. Then we met, and the fire was ignited! We had wild sex the first night, and I spent the night and the next day with him. It was awesome.
Before we dated, we were texting all of the time. After the amazing sexual chemistry and our hot weekend, he was back to work. He texted me that night then no calls or texts for a few days. I started to feel anxious because we haven’t made plans, although we spoke about all the fun activities he wanted us to do together. I got insecure and contacted him, asking him what was up? I think I came across as needy. I think I had sex too soon since I’m a bit rusty in the dating game! I’m getting ready to see him again tomorrow, so do you have tips on how to bring up slowing down this relationship after we’ve already had sex without scaring him away or pressuring him? Help!
Dear Sex too Soon,
This is a very common question asked by many successful single clients in my classes or private coaching sessions. Whether your straight, gay, lesbian, or polyamorous this advice applies. It’s been a lonely time during this Corona Virus and many people are contacting me saying they are still having casual hookups. Often having sex too soon makes you and/or your partner feel vulnerable. When alcohol is involved on the first or second date, many people have slipped and “dropped their panties” and then get freaked out. I’ve coached thousands of clients who shared the same insecurities after sharing such a sacred part of themselves. Don’t be so hard on yourself and take time to look deeper into your heart.
If you had sex too soon and you feel vulnerable learn from it and slow things down the next time! But please, don’t let your self-esteem fly out the window over the fact that you hooked up with someone, no matter how early on it occured. It happens to the best of us and…your sex life doesn’t determine your worth.
In my book Get Real about Love-The Secrets to Opening your Heart & Finding True Love, I have a whole chapter entitled, “Let’s talk about Sex” which gives you these exact scenarios that most singles face. Many people don’t know how to talk about sex without feeling uncomfortable. Some people feel pressured and do it because they are lonely. Everyone has their own beliefs about sex, depending on their upbringing, religious beliefs, and their influences in the media. Sex, Sex, Sex…It’s everywhere! It all depends on your goals and if you can be honest with yourself before you jump in!
Many clients call me confused and broken-hearted after jumping into bed with someone too soon or with someone they just met after a blind date. They often say they had a long heart to heart conversations, and many thought this time this person could be the match they have been searching for. Some people get intimate too quickly without knowing much about each other and then the games begin… Think about it. If you have sex too soon, you probably only knew each other for less than eight hours.
Most busy people want fast results, and often, quick sexual encounters can leave you feeling very raw and vulnerable. If you jump into fast, know that some people will run from the attachment they might feel after intimacy. When people casually date, having sex often changes the dynamics of the relationship and sets up the expectation that you will “give it up” every time you get together. Sex has different meanings for each person involved; women often become chemically addicted to the pheromones and the oxytocin, whether their partner is into them or not. My private monthly online Secrets into the Minds of Women Classes for men offer men the insights women wish men knew! I’m also planning my next GET REAL about Love Man Panel with all types of awesome men so you can join us to ask the men yourself! Contact me if you want to join us.
I say you can be romantic and take things slowly without going all the way.
Men and women love the chase as long as you don’t mess with their hearts!
Taking is slow builds trust and connection without all the crazy fantasies we all see on TV and the movies.
Many singles people that call me often claim that the person they had sex was cool when they were intimate but suddenly disappeared or turn “psycho” after a few dates. Sex often causes super high expectations for some people and often your sexual partner may assume they are in a committed relationship because they have had intercourse or foreplay. Yikes! Assume nothing until you discuss sex openly! No chasing anyone or being needy. You’ll set yourself up for more heartaches
Some say, I had no idea he/she would get attached after a few dates.” Many men and some women confess that they won’t turn booty down if you are open to it. When you are casually dating having sex or just fooling around with someone doesn’t mean you are committed. They are just having fun. Don’t assume anything…talk about sex first.
Here’s one of the Secrets from my book “Get Real about Love -The Secrets to Opening your Heart & Finding True Love.
Secret: It’s up to you to take care of yourself by discussing the relationship you want BEFORE you jump into bed. Discuss sex and safety before you rush in and drop your panties. Don’t assume you know your partner’s sexual history about sex. We all have different issues, and it’s important to discuss sexually transmitted diseases and contraception. Be safe and ask first! Take care of your health.and your heart first!
Many people can have positive casual connections by being honest and upfront about not wanting any attachments. They mutually agree to share their “sexual gifts” with honor. These experiences can be positive and healing if both parties know what they are getting themselves into. I tell both men and women to speak the truth. By doing so, a fun and sexy connection can be experienced with no heartaches.
Just Get Real. Many of my clients confess these encounters came back to bite them in the butt and affected their self-esteem when the person backed off.
Stay cool and realize you may have just jumped in to fast. So next time you see this person be cool and clear without making them feel any pressure. Touch their arm gently and express your feelings. Say something like… “Wow! I had so much fun the other night! We definitely have that hot chemistry we both wanted. I’d like to slow this down to get to know more about you since sex is only one piece of this amazing connection. You can observe their reaction to see if they want to build a solid foundation by getting to know the other parts of your life and your long term vision.
Turns out, my client tried this approach and got lucky when she expressed it had been a long time since she had this kind of chemistry since her husband had passed on a few years back. She felt totally swept away with passion, romance, and the alcohol lowered her inhibitions. She openly expressed she just wanted to slow it all down. He said he was relieved since he wanted the same thing. They both felt good about their open communication and felt more connected. They talked openly about their goals and made a Three-month commitment to only date each other with no pressure to see how their relationship grows. This is often how it long it takes for warning signs to show up or bonding happens!
Remember, if you are casually dating and your dates only invite you to their home or make last-minute plans, you could be going down heartbreak lane. You may end up setting up a “casual booty call situation“. Beware of the signs of a “high-speed chaser!” Don’t waste your time and Contact me to tell you how to skilfully “TEST DRIVE” your relationship before you give your power away!
A lot of people will stay with someone because they are sexually addicted and waste years of their life trying to make it work with a person who isn’t a good match. This includes dating players or married people. If you are experiencing any of these challenges and are confused or you are committed to find true love contact me
Be honest with yourself before jumping into bed with someone. It’s important to make a clear agreement upfront about the experience you choose to have with your partner to make sure you on the same page. Finally
Ask yourself these questions?
** Do you get attached after being intimate?
** Are you being honest with yourself and the people you date about sex?
** What lessons did you learn from your past relationships that you apply now in your dating life?
** Do you feel comfortable talking to potential partners about sex?
**Are you ready for love or trying to numb your pain?
Need some inspiration to find love? Getting over a broken heart or heart-wrenching divorce? Want to Reinvent your love life? Discover why you keep attracting unavailable partners and so much more. Contact me for a Free Consultation at:https://www.reneepiane.com/contact.html
AND…Pick up my book “ Get Real about LOVE ~ The Secrets to Opening your Heart & Finding True LOVE!
This deep book will help you to design a step- by step plan to achieve your goals and offers powerful tools to open your heart. It’s Available on Amazon in E-book, Audible, and book form at this link. https://amzn.to/2Srf7GN Ready to Find REAL Love?
Life is too short to give your heart away. I can help you find real love from the inside out! I’m excited to hear your comments on this hot topic!